When engines were first created, they didn't produce much power. They were heavy. They had too many moving parts.

They were called four strokes.

As time passed, engineers figured out how to design an engine to do the same job with half the effort and produce twice the power from the same displacement. The new engine was much lighter. It had very few moving parts. It did everything the four stroke couldn't do.

They called it a two stroke.

The two stroke rapidly showed its superiority by dominating racing, including motocross and road racing. Now they keep two strokes away from the four strokes in road racing, because they run lap times 3 or 4 seconds faster.

There was a time when four strokes were the only option. The blaring blast of one continuous poot echoed through the hills. The loud and obnoxious blasts of four strokes started the general public's contempt for motorcycles, which was also fed by the competitively jealous auto industry and the media, who has to pick on somebody. It should be noted that when a person makes the same sound as a four stroke, onlookers respond with looks of astonishment and horror - and then the person doesn't get invited to respectable places.

Sometimes people ask me to give four strokes a chance. I tell them that nowadays it's hard to find a good four stroke. The Navy keeps buying them up and using them for anchors on aircraft carriers.

Contractors keep buying four strokes to use as filler material on large concrete jobs, such as dams or airports.

Oil companies, with their unlimited flow of dollars, keep buying four strokes too. They'll weld a four stroke onto the end of a drilling pipe. All those excess parts really chew through the bedrock.

Carpenters buy four strokes as well. They pull the valves out and use them to set nails without banging their fingers with the hammer.

Demolition teams buy four strokes to use as wrecking balls to knock buildings down.

Blacksmiths and recycling firms buy four strokes and then melt them down into anvils. There's not much work to do to make the transformation, plus they garner the side benefit of feeling good about cleaning up the Earth.

So I guess I can admit it - four strokes do have a place in this world.

When jumping a four stroke, the rider will discover that a four stroke lands very hard. Its mass, changing direction abruptly upon landing, just feels bad, like landing while riding and hanging onto a huge log. Flatlanding a four stroke is an exercise in pain management. Heavy bikes just land hard.

There's something about a light bike when jumping...it lands more sweetly than a motorized anvil. Jumping is a violent thing, and we need all the help we can get to take the curse off of those brutal landings.

In motocross racing, four strokes sometimes get the holeshot if conditions are slippery. The fun is over after that, when the rider tries to hang on to a bucking, bouncing, farting refrigerator known as a four stroke. You'll notice that four stroke riders in motocross usually tire, fade and get consumed by two strokes like a hog getting consumed by tigers.

The rider might try to continue going fast after being totally exhausted by the four stroke, but arm pump will make the bars rip out of his hands, sending him splattering headlong in a clumsy, unflattering and embarrassing manner.

Then his grim tasks are in front of him, looming like a snarling bear. First task: pick the bike up. If the rider is wearing the requisite back brace, weightlifting belt and kidney belt, maybe he will survive the first test without requiring sacroiliac surgery.

Then the hard part: starting the engine back up. As we know, four strokes don't like to start after they fall down. They're like temperamental Baby Hueys. Big, fat and they don't do what you want them to do.

So the rider kicks the four stroke and kicks it - not the bike, but the kickstarter. Kicking the bike itself comes a little later.

If you've ever kickstarted a four stroke, you'll know it's the yuckiest feeling in the world. It feels like you're pushing your leg down into a mud bog or a huge fruitcake, then it's hard to lift your leg back up. Why? Because four strokes suck! Do this 20 or 30 times after falling during a lung-busting moto and you'll certainly know what leg pump is.

What could be worse? I'll tell you what's got to be the worst. Having a four stroke that's always hard to start is hell on earth. Of course I don't know firsthand.

So let's review. Four strokes are heavy. Two strokes are light. When jumping, four strokes land like a sack of snot. Two strokes land like a feather. Four strokes don't produce much power for their size and weight. Two strokes produce a lot of power for their size and weight. Four strokes have many moving parts that wear out, like valves, chains, cams, etc. Two strokes don't have valves, chains or cams. Four strokes make a rider very tired on the track. Two strokes don't tire the rider as much. Four strokes are temperamental and hard to start after they fall. Two strokes start back up quickly and finish the job. Four strokes sound like loud, obnoxious flatus. Two strokes have a pleasant tone.

Next thing you know, the same ignominious individuals who push the four stroke on us will be trying to sell us on steam engines, and an old industry will be re-born, along with all the hop-up shops that will spring up, claiming to make the steam engine compete with a two stroke. Like the four stroke hop-up industry, it will be all about making money from fools who want to turn a pig's ear into a silk purse.

Those who try to ban two strokes should be forced to kickstart four strokes 8 hours a day, work on rebuilding four stroke top ends 8 more hours a day and race 24 hour motocross races on the weekends with a four stroke.

Yes, the four stroke must die in this lifetime. Trying to revive the four stroke is a sick, twisted endeavor, kind of like keeping a vegetable on life support and trying to make him do jumping jacks.

Hopefully my kids grow up to see a world of two strokes, with a ramp in every garage and a two stroke in every pickup truck. I wanted to pass on the gift of riding to them, so I just bought a Honda Z-50 for the kids to learn on.

Oh NO...it can't be true...

I BOUGHT A FOUR STROKE!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!